Purity in Dating + Engagement

Hugh and I sought to be physically pure before marriage.  We certainly weren't perfect in our pre-marriage relationship, but God did bless us in our attempts, and I believe our marriage has benefitted as a result {a result of our efforts in part, but most importantly because of God's grace}.

Anyway, before we started "dating", we knew we wanted to date with the intent of getting married.  Casual dating {in my opinion AND in my experience} only gets people into trouble because there's a far, far away end in sight, and lots of time in between to fall into temptation traps.

To help us keep from falling to such traps, we decided to set physical boundaries in addition to dating with the purpose of marriage {as a couple older and wiser than us recommended}.   Looking back, I believe these were the main guidelines we tried to stay within:

• always be in public places and/or with friends when together  (NEVER hang out with no one else around or with a person who doesn't care about your physical purity)
• treat one another like a true brother/sister (because we are brother and sister in Christ, and we are to help each other as such)
• with that in mind, we did not kiss before our wedding day... not even little, teensy pecks on the cheek
• we did not hold hands until we were engaged 
• there were NO long hugs between us

For us, each of the above guidelines was significantly helpful in remaining pure regarding the other guidelines.  As a couple, you simply can't be general and say "we're just not going to make out...  but simple kisses are okay...."  When you walk down that path, you quickly enter into trouble.

We also had a mature {married} couple leading us through pre-marital sessions {even before engagement}.  Another thing that really helped us was maintaining some spiritual/emotional distance.  Although we were certainly close relationally, we avoided treating each other like husband/wife as well as trying to fill the role of best friends.  I certainly can't speak for men, but as a woman, this was a HUGE help for me in maintaining emotional purity before marriage.

Although we wouldn't prescribe the exact same guidelines to other couples in general {though we might if we knew them well and felt like they'd be benefitted by such guidelines}, we would ere on the side of caution for many of the reasons Kevin DeYoung mentions below in this short {4 min} video, in which he answers the question "How far is too far??"   I hope it helps you understand the biblical worldview regarding dating a little more and maybe even question where you fall with regard to this hard topic.
Even if you are married and this doesn't seem to apply to you, it's still good to have a godly perspective regarding dating and engagement because all of us "old" married couples will invariable influence younger couples aspiring toward marriage.

The book Kevin mentions in the video is Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A fresh approach  by Gerald Hiestand.  I haven't read it yet, but you can easily "look inside" the book on Amazon... chapter titles seemed good to me at first glance.  :)


The video above is from Tony Reinke via Desiring God.  You can read the entire post AND find links to other videos about DeYoung's new book {The Hole in our Holiness: filling the gap between gospel passion and the pursuit of holiness} on Tony's blog post: How Far Is Too Far Before Marriage?